Chapter 1 -- The Essence of the Deadly Flaw

Here is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of my latest book, The Best-Kept Secret in the World: The Hidden Source of Unhappiness, Conflict, and Self-Defeat (2010, 280 pages). This book can be purchased as a PDF file at http://www.questforself.com/.

Thinkers over the ages have speculated about a flaw in human nature—whether in the form of original sin, an enemy within, or a death instinct. My thesis contends that a hidden flaw does indeed exist. It was discovered in the last century by a relatively unknown psychoanalyst. Only a tiny percentage of the population have recognized or understood this flaw or even heard of it.

The innocent of the world, the good people, are carriers of this emotional quirk, as are the less noble among us. This flaw, however, gets the best of us only when it remains unconscious, hidden from our awareness in our psyche. It is analogous to a sabotaging virus, bug, or worm in a computer system. Even an excellent system is compromised by a troublesome quirk. Such a system operates at its best once that problem is removed. Obviously, the problem has to be identified before it can be removed. Here, briefly described in the next two paragraphs, is the essence of the problem.

It does feel like blasphemy to say that we like our suffering. It is outrageous to suggest that we are secretly interested in holding on to our negativity. Yet this is the paradox of this deadly flaw. It compels us to recycle our old hurts from our past, as it tricks us through our defenses into covering up our collusion in our suffering. These hurts consist of unresolved emotions associated with deprivation, refusal, helplessness, criticism, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, and a sense of unworthiness.